THE FIRE SHIPS
(AKA: THE EXAMINATION FOR LIEUTENANT)
(WARNING: If you really like The Fire Ships, you are probably not going to like me.)
You may have heard rumors of an "extra" Hornblower episode. An episode that could only be fable, because Archie isn't in it. Alas, the rumors are all too true. And while I wouldn't presume to speak for everyone, I will freely confess that my Fires Ships tape is significantly less worn out than the others. But I have done my doo-tee for the sake of providing a complete episode guide.
And so, without further whining, I give you The Fire Ships ...
A RATHER SHORT SUMMARY
Captain Foster behaves insufferably.
Horatio sucks up to Captain Foster and behaves insufferably.
A ship catches fire.
The fleet starves.
Bunting stuffs his ugly mug with moldy cheese and behaves insufferably.
Horatio dons a remarkably flattering straw hat.
Mr. Tapling raises his cholesterol level and behaves insufferably.
A rat dies of bubonic plague.
Captain Pellew picks weevils from biscuits and behaves with dignity.
Horatio utters the second-most embarrassing line in the entire series: "Such a senseless waste of life." (After Monty Python, this simply can NOT be taken seriously ... )
Another ship catches fire.
Horatio saves the day. (*yawn*)
Horatio utters THE most embarrassing line in the entire series: "Just thinking of the distances we travel, yet how far we've still to sail as men." (*groan*)
Oh, yeah -- The End.
ARCHIE BY THE NUMBERS
Forget it; we're talking negative integers here.
(?) UNSOLVED MYSTERIES
* Why did I still tune in for Episode 3 the following week?
OK, I know there are many people who place The Fire Ships at the top of their list. And I concede there is certainly entertainment to be had: Mr. Tapling is a wonderful comic character, and Horatio does look very fetching in that straw hat.
But good grief ... these people need Archie!!!